Satisfaction

Heya!
am in Kolkata right now...so if anybody knows of intersting events happening,lemme know.
and i shall write after mid-dec.
happy last month of 2005!
peace.

Dear reader,

If you have come to my blog through a comment,through your blog tracking software,while surfing..I juss want you to know that the last four posts might make me look like a sad baby,but in reality i am not.juss that i am going through a bad time..n use this form once in a while for some reasons.my previous posts r happy/normal ones (nothin great..but not the last four types).

Tears

Why do they flow so easily?
I don't like them.
They make me feel weak.
Helpless.

Why do they flow so easily?
Make me feel something is wrong with me.
If i am sensitive,I don't want to be.
Otherwise I will be a bitch.A super-sensitive bitch.

Why do they flow so easily?
Atleast they should be controllable.
Please understand you make me hate myself.
Don't flow so easily.Please.

Tears

Why do they flow so easily?
Who opens the damn dam?
Why isn't there a stop cork?
Why the fuck are they called a woman's weapon?
(If anything I would call it my enemy)
Why do you do this to me?
I don't want you.Really.
Please go away.

Something's obviously wrong with me.I thought I will cry infront of the interviewers today.I suffer from an attention problem,but not that bad a one.
I did not want to come home.Where should I have gone?CCD?I didn't want the crowd.

Complimentary funny post with the sad one.

You might find this cheap,but I hope atleast a few people find it fun too.
It's like...silly things you want compliments on.
I don't know mine is silly or not but there this friend of mine who was once crying over the phone and she sounded really sweet.Somebody has told me I look (I am forgeting the word...it was a nice word) while crying.
This preview was necessary before I mention the silly thing.
It so happened that I cried over the phone for the first time infront of a friend.Ofcourse,I tried to control myself,so I guess it was controlled crying(as in I tried to cry silently).
After I stopped,the friend was saying something and like a dumbf**k I thought he's gonna say u sounded sweet while crying.And when he didn't I was like...what a cheap sucker for compliments I am.
I am embarrassed but I find this funny.
(Please remember I didn't cry properly,and therefore no compliment/comment)
*laughs as she tries to mollify*
The last two () and ** lines are a joke.I am serious.
Update 1:Is there anything silly you want compliments on or am I the only silly lily?

A title will be given,if I edit this.

If you are looking for some nice write-up,skip this..cause it's not written well,and I am not editting it as of now.I am not even re-reading it right now.ya,just don't judge my writing skills(which works once in a while)by this post. :)

I switched on the computer after having decided I shall write about the eventful day(compared to my last few days)I had today.I went on to read other blogs and so the mood's gone a little,so let's see what remains.

Since the day is supposed to start at 12 hours,I would have ideally liked to write what happened at that hour but I cannot.Let's just say,it was a little sad.Then came the morning...with a new ray?
I don't know.

Got up,hid one of the reasons for the little sadness at the night-time(yup,the curious incident of the dog at night-time..it's from this book title),tried to sleep again.Mommy dear wouldn't let me.Got up,sat in aasana (position) of praying,and slept a little more.A longer bath than usual follwed this and then breakfast.A little TV with bro who was leaving today.We are then off to do his tuck-shopping.Had forgotten to get his medicine,so had to go again.He was supposed to come half-way with me,so money for the medicine would be taken that time as I didn't have much.

Before I reach the pharmacy,I see this tall lean man in black stripe trousers and white shirt give me a small smile.I try to think if I know him,but I don't.While I waiting to cross the road,I see him coming towards my side and later talking on his cell looking at me.It wasn't the usual stare..so I was line,what's this?

I have now crossed the road and walking on one side,when he says excuse me.My mind was somewhere else and cause I get a little scared walking on one side of the road with trafiic in speed(the foot-path was on the other side,croosing wasn't possible)I let out a very small scream(is v.small scream correct english?).
I turn back and it is that man.He says soemthing like do u ahve five mintues?I ask why?He then introduces himself as an advocate and tells me he is planning to open a motor rally club.That he himslef happens to be a national level rallyist.

I ask so what can I do? We need people,you could work with us,official work and all.I tell him something like I already ahve work or I am not intersted or both and walk-off.

At the pharmacy,the medicine my brother so confidently siad will be below 50 happens to be priced at Rs.102.Poorey me,has only 20 rupees in her pocket.I feel like mortgaging my cell for a while.I walked without glasses,without umbrella,without sunsreen(not that I always use the last two,but the purpose wasn't served,so the ranting)and had no moeny.

By the time,I reached home,it was time for bro to go.After putting his luggage in,we went to look for a pharmacy.Guess whom do I see?The same man again.The place was near the high-court,(advocate-possibility)and I am like Eh.

After dropping bro,called up a friend who wasn't avaialable that time.Thought of calling two other people,but didn't(money being one reason,and 2nd I hope not,but my inability to reach-out.)My friend got the message I had left and called up on my way home.After I said,just dropped bro,he says something like oh you must be feeling odd/bad.It was then or after he realised my mood's a little bad,I had tears.
Came home and tried to sleep.Couldn't partly due to the cold,the noise and the mood.He was sweet enough to call again and my mood was bad enough to have tears again.

I know I am not really writing this well.Remember,the first para..the mood's gone off a lil.Before I continue,I have to mention this.Whatever happened last night,kinda made me realise more deeply the burden of parenthood/sisterhood.So I was thinking...I might not have kids.Coming back,I switch on the TV and I see Rowan Atkinson(Mr.Bean)with a woman in a car whom very soon he'll be kissing.I am like..what..this guy..romance?I try to see clearly,I am like is this Johny English?(I have been waiting to watch this one).Within a minute,the movie is over.
Wah wah!

I check out other channels and by the time I come back,another movie has started..and it's called parenthood.I am like...need to watch this.
Movie was fine with obviously some scenes being really cute..u have kids in it..almost has to be.
Saw the newsppaer for movies and programmes.The highlight programme of the day happens to be Anatomy of Sex at 10pm in Discovery.It reads humans live for making more humans.And didn't I just tell you..I thought of not giving myself and the unborn baby burden?

Parenthood,Anatomy of Sex..No kids...See the irony?
Update 1:I forgot to write one incident.Had got a call from a local friend with whom I wasn't really in touch for the past one week till bro was here.We talk for 2-3 minutes and I tell her will get back to you after the movie.After the movie we talk about going for a movie tommorrow and the past week.We happen to talk about Diwali, and with mom not bieng present I tell her why I completely forgot to ask her for the firework display I had gone for.I tell her in one-line first..and then when I tried to tell her part of the story,I started crying.Oh,if I would have known,I wouldn't have started.I hate to end this post like this,but I will.
Looks like the burn(Diwali and all,so the word :) ) hasn't healed.
Update 2:(just a minute or two after update 1):The friend in question in update 1 like a fool told me to stop crying and said happens everywhere(without hearing the whole thing) and asked me not to spoil my mood.I thought if she wouldn't have stopped me I might have said more.)

"If I gave you everything you asked for,
where would you put it?"
God

Where?

After pondering over it philosophically,come out with funny answers please.will be fun.

Before you burst,read this.

You will now celebrate.
And later regret?

Read on before you burst those crackers.From here.

Health Effects

The level of suspended particles in the air increases alarmingly during Diwali, causing eye, throat and nose problems. Although most of us do not feel the immediate impact, these problems can later develop into serious health hazards, according to Dr Rajesh Chawla of Apollo hospital, New Delhi.

Suspended particulate matter (SPM) exposure to the level of 100 ppm results in headache and reduced mental acuity. The effects are more pronounced in people with heart, lung or central nervous system diseases. Sulphur dioxide is readily soluble and dissolves in the larger airways of the respiratory system. This stimulates a contraction at 2 to 5 parts per million (ppm). At higher concentrations severe contraction restricts the breathing process.

Nitrogen dioxide is less soluble and so penetrates to the smaller airways and into the lungs. They destroy the linings of the respiratory surface, thereby reducing the intake of oxygen for the body. These cause respiratory allergies like asthma especially to the susceptible population.

Causes throat and chest congestion, and are likely to aggravate problems for those already suffering from coughs, colds and allergies.

High decibel level results in restlessness, anger, fidgetiness, impulsive behaviour and over-reaction to situations. Most crackers used have more than 80 dB noise that can cause temporary hearing loss, says K K Agarwal, chairman, Health Care Foundation, New Delhi

Scientific data to suggests that noise pollution can cause leads to hearing loss, high blood pressure, heart attack and sleep disturbances. Normal decibel level for humans is 60 dB. An increase by 10 decibels means double the noise volume and intensity, says Agarwal.

Children, pregnant women and those suffering from respiratory problems suffer the most due to excessive noise. It results in making them hyperactive or withdrawn, says Dr Jitendra Nagpal, psychiatrist, Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (VIMHAS), Delhi.

Allergic bronchitis, acute exacerbation of bronchial asthma, chronic bronchitis, ephysema, COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary diseases), allergic rhinitis, laryngitis, ssinusitis, pneumonia and common cold increase durinf this times, reports Dr Naarendra B Rawal, consultant chest physician and pulmonologist. The number of his patients doubles during Diwali. The firework is one of the provoking factors for childhood bronchial asthma, he adds.

The Toxics Link study pointed out that there is threat of exposure even from the unburnt material. These particles are very small (1 to 5 microns in size) and contain metals along with carbon.

Harmful effects of Chemicals Used in Crackers:

Copper: Poison to humans by ingestion. Inhalation of copper dust and fume causes irritation in the respiratory tract. Absorption of excess copper results in "Wilson's disease" in which excess copper is deposited in the brain, skin, liver, pancreas and myocardium (middle muscular layer in the heart).

Cadmium: Can be poisonous to humans by inhalation, ingestion, intraperitonial, sub-cutaneous, intra-muscular and intravenous routes. Cadmium absorption can damage the kidneys and can cause anaemia. It is a potential human carcinogen. Cadmium causes increased blood pressure and also a disease called "Itai--Itai", which makes bones brittle resulting in multiple fractures.

Lead: Affects the central nervous system in humans. A poison if ingested, moderately irritating. It can cause cancer of lungs and kidneys and an experimental teratogen. When heated it can emit highly toxic fumes. In inorganic form, it is a general metabolic poison and an enzyme inhibitor. Young children can suffer mental retardation and semi-permanent brain damage by exposure to lead. Incase of lead levels in blood, the disturbing feature is that the natural levels are very close to the lowest safety limits.

Magnesium: Poison by ingestion, inhalation of magnesium dust and fumes can cause metal fume fever. Particles embedded in the skin can produce gaseous blebs and a gas gangrene. Dangerous fire hazard in the form of dust or flakes when exposed to flames. Manganese in the air has adverse effects on humans. Poisoning takes the form of progressive deterioration in the central nervous system.

Manganese: An experimental carcinogen and mutagen. Human toxicity caused by dust or fumes. The main symptoms of exposure are languor, sleepiness, weakness, emotional disturbances, spastic gait and paralysis.

Potassium: Dangerous fire hazard. If there is any confinement, an explosion can occur.

Sodium: In elemental form, it is highly reactive, particularly with moisture with which it reacts violently and therefore can attack living tissue. When heated in air, it emits toxic fumes of sodium oxide. Dangerous fire hazard when exposed to heat and moisture.

Zinc: Human skin irritant and effects pulmonary system. Pure zinc powder is non-toxic to humans by inhalation but difficulty arises from oxidation (burning), as it emits zinc fumes. Zinc is perhaps the least toxic of all heavy metals, in fact an essential element in animal and human nutrition, still they become toxic when absorbed in excess. Zinc stimulates the sensation of vomiting. An exposure to 150 mg of zinc can stimulate the process of vomiting in an adult male.

Nitrate: Large amounts taken by mouth can have serious and even fatal effects. The symptoms are dizziness, abdominal cramps, vomiting, bloody diarrhoea, weakness, convulsions and collapse. Small repeated doses may lead to weakness, general depression, headache and mental impairment. Also there is some implication of increased cancer incidents among those exposed. Highly inflammable and on decomposition they emit highly toxic fumes.

Nitrite: Large amounts taken by mouth may produce nausea, vomiting, cyanosis, collapse and coma. Repeated small doses can cause a fall in blood pressure, rapid pulse, headaches and visual disturbances. When heated, emit highly toxic fumes of NOx.

Phosphorous in PO4: Poison to humans. Dangerous fire hazard when exposed to heat or chemical reaction. Poison by inhalation, ingestion, skin contact and subcutaneous routes. Ingestion affects the central nervous system. Toxic quantities have an acute effect on the liver and can cause severe eye damage.

Sulphur in SO4: Poison to humans by inhalation an eye, skin and mucous membrane irritant and corrosive, an experimental carcinogen. It chiefly affects the upper respiratory tract and the bronchi. It may cause edema of the lungs or glottis, and can produce respiratory paralysis. Source: Hazardous Chemicals Desk Reference, N.Irving Sax and Richard J.Lewis

The conflict between competing interests in society - safety, health, and calm on the one hand, and tradition on the other hand, has evolved over time, and the health effects are receiving greater attention. Roshan Lal, owner of the New Royal Fireworks set up in 1928 in Sadar Bazar says his family has been in the trade of crackers since the days of Prthviraj Chauhan but now the business is not profitable. A combination of political will and public support to limit health and environmental hazards, and at the same time maintain memorable traditions, is needed to restore Deepawali to its pristine flavour.

I don't want to have a blast.The wor(l)d is scary.

It's festive time and everyone is supposed to have a blast.This time though the crackers should be marked
Warning:If you are not careful,you might hurt yourself.Even if you are,somebody else might blast you off.Blast you off forever.

I really wanna know what can drive people to do SUCH things?
Aren't the natural calamities enough?
I have a few things in mind on this line.Will write those after a week or so as will be a little busy in the coming days.

A very happy and safe diwali to all.

Conversation on naughty and safe diwali.

V :Happy Diwali to u.
Me :Happy Diwali and safe diwali.
V :Why not a naughty one?
Me :(wonders..naughty diwali?)naughty one but safe too.
V :When things are naughty how can they be safe?
Me :Protection :)
V :Always have bisleri. ;)
Me :No ISSUES then. :)
V :So do u have a bf?

And then you go and spoil it all by sayin something silly like u have a bf?
BF sounds funny.You should say boyfriend.Not at the wrong moment but.

Make music,make love.

I feel like writing.
Quite nice for a change from the past few days.
There are a few songs which I would love to be on when I am too.(read:make love)
Mann ki lagan:Paap
You fill up my senses.
(will keep adding)
(had this post in mind.and am listening to music for long after long.good.)

Conversations on the computer

P: M not here,M2 not here,M3 is busy.M4 also away.I don't know what I will do for 10 days.I will die of boredom.
Me:(quotes from the calendar):"Learn to be happy alone.If we dont enjoy our own company, why inflict it on others!"
P:Repeats as I was disconnected.
Me:arre,do other things.there are so many things to do.10 days only.and read the quote.n understand it.
P:I know.but i need someone to talk nah?
Me: hm.get google talk.then we can talk.i mean get mic nah.it'l be good.u can talk to me n me to u.
P: he he
Me: what he he? after so long.
P:I read those msgs now.
Me:k.

Considering this and another question a friend asked about feeling lonely staying without anybody real close around.
I don't really.I do miss them,but not lonely.I do wish I could cry infront of somebody properly when I have to and not go to the bathroom and cry then stop.And go again later.Cause till they(tears) don't come out in the amount they have decided there's no peace.
Have discovered a site with great poems accompanied with a pic for each.Will put them up in next post.Have been listening to Zombie Zombie Zombie ee ee and I just died in your arms tonight,Must have been something you said.Like the former from before.The latter,don'tremember when I first heard it..I like it.

I knew i had cried a lot,
the onions gave me the depth.
extremely important for expressing.
i could now say
i had cried so much,
the onions could only burn my eyes,
not get another tear out.
they did win again.
the tears.
they came out in the evening.
again highlighting the extra hair on my eyebrows and upper-lip.
was not looking in the mirror this time.
and seeing the gloomy face,the red eyes.
it was the computer screen.
i was only seeing what he was typing.